mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mexico can fucking wait Fighting with my girl Crystal for the first time in I can't remember when. I don't get angry easily, and I don't hold grudges- I like harmony and happiness and I like everybody to feel like they belong- but she's been pushing at me a little bit, lately. She's never happy. She can't find joy in anything, anymore, and she's always upset or angry. This isn't the girl I adore so much, guys; This new Crystal has a mean streak a mile wide. This new Crystal is petulant and hurtful and plain nasty, at times. I love her- she knows I love her- but I can't keep trying and trying and trying to solve problems that aren't mine to solve, problems that she creates for herself and the people around her. The last thing I said to her was, "Seeya later," and before that, I said, "Do whatever the fuck you want. I don't care." And I didn't handle our argument in the best way, I know, but I was just so angry that my sensibilities went straight out the window and I shot off at the mouth in a way that I very seldom do. I haven't spoken to her in a few days, and I'm pretty terrified that she won't call me to talk. I won't call, either, though, terrible as that sounds. I've spent a whole lot of time smoothing things over, between her and I and her and others, and I want to make a point, this time. I want her to know that it's hard enough for me to maintain a good outlook without her being silent and sullen and full of bad feelings. I want her to know that I love her, but I'm not going to sacrifice my dignity and sense of worth by letting this problem go without ever solving it- She taught me that, that I don't always have to be the one to apologize, that I don't have to take all of the blame for everything that goes wrong in my relationships. I want her to be happy, but I can't fight that fight for her. I can't. And I would love to say I'm sorry, to call her and make jokes and make her laugh, but I'm not going to, not this time. 11:37 p.m. - 2003-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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