mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no doubt about it Internet, internet, I love the internet. If you could see me right now, you'd laugh at my hillbilly computer set-up: laptop on my leopard-spotted cofee table, next to the absolutely ancient external monitor I had to hook up due to my LCD's sudden disobedience, and then once I was able to actually (hallelujah!) view my desktop, I decided to hook up a pair of speakers, too, so I can listen to my mp3s at a volume louder than that of a stage whisper. So. And if I angle the coffee table just right, I can still get wireless. One more thing and then I'll be done with the boring computer talk: Don't ever buy Compaq. They are horrible lying bastards. And... end. My promotion will be in effect in about a week, and in light of my new job, I have decided to learn how to drive. Seriously this time. Crystal was going to teach me, but I doubt that she'll have the time. Looks like Mom will have to be recruited. Scary thought. Crystal has been exceptionally preoccupied this past week or so-- She and Donald were apparently going to call it quits, but I guess that they're going to stay together after all. What this means to me? It goes like this: I get off work and walk through the front door of the apartment to empty, silent space. Alys is in bed and Crystal and Donald have locked themselves away, either in the bathroom or the bedroom. Or they're still awake when I get home but my arrival is some secret signal for them to leave the room. Occasionally, I'll have a moment alone with Crystal, a few minutes for us to talk about private things, to regain a sense of what our friendship is based on, but before we can really begin to talk, Donald locates us and joins us, or, really, joins CRYSTAL and manages to not only end the moment but exclude me at the same time. Or I'll find myself alone with Donald-- a person that I consider a friend-- and the only topic of conversation he can muster enthusiasm for is Crystal, now great Crystal is, why doesn't she love him, how much he loves her, how much he misses her, and you know what, while he's thinking of it, he's going to go and buy her something. I'm getting a little sick of being the third wheel, but in spite of this, I am happy now. I can't explain it, exactly, but something has changed, something about me. I feel like I've finally reached a healthy place in life-- I don't want to destroy myself anymore, if that makes sense. I was trying to do just that for a long time. I have ideas, these days-- Like, I want to write a comic book about three women who control the elements! And finish the story about the group of teenage girls who become vigilantes! And paint glorious pictures! And this one is the biggest one: I want to create a book that is a map of my life. I want to create memories that I can touch whenever I want to until the day that I die. 1:39 p.m. - 2004-10-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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