mainsqueeze's Diaryland
Diary
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sixes
All right, guys, I'm going to tell you all about where I was and where I am right now:
- I was wringing my hands over a certain guy for a couple of weeks, wondering whyohwhyhasn'thefuckingCALLED?
I was telling Crystal, you know, maybe I was wrong to leave an angry, sad message on his voicemail. We didn't have any sort of commitment. Her response was wonderful: If a guy kisses your wrist and does the soulful gaze thing, you really can't be blamed for thinking it might be more than just sex.
- I was, for lack of a better phrase, drinking my blues away. I dropped a big fat load of cash on booze, spent many nights verbalizing the ridiculous questions a broken-hearted drunk asks herself-- should I call him? write him? show up on his doorstep with a boom box and a Peter Gabriel cd?-- and looking for possible persons to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces to make myself feel better. Drinking, it would seem, is not exactly the most excellent way to make yourself feel better. All drinking does is make you poorer.
- I was stuck in a horribly melancholy state of mind, whining and crying and spewing bad poetry about fucking FEELINGS left and right. But--
This is where I am, now:
- I have realized that he-- the heart-breaker-- was right when he told me that I am FREE. I can walk and talk and if I want to, I can pack up the pups and go anywhere in the world. There is immense joy in me for finally learning the truth in what I have been told over and over for several years. I CAN DO ANYTHING.
- I have the greatest friends in the entire world. I have Crystal for when I feel like dashboard-drumming to the Buffy theme song, and for when I feel like getting drunk and spitting on the rug and photo-shopping penises on the photos of those who have made me angry. I have Aaron for mutual-comforting, shit-talking, and fantastic hugs. I have Zach for inside jokes, Adult Swim, and planning the construction of giant fake trees. I have Matt for when I need to reminisce, talk about fate and art and music, and make bad-sex jokes. My friends are gorgeous, gorgeous people, and some of them don't even realize it.
1:26 a.m. - 2005-04-14
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