mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nicole She is kissing the sky, now, her head thrown back triumphantly, one last "Fuck you," to the world below. When we were kids I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world with her fringed leather coats and teased bangs and when she had her baby ten years later I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world once again. She saved my life by telling my Mother about the bulimia, by making my secret public and getting me help. She got arrested at my sixteenth birthday party for calling a female cop a dyke bitch and she smoked pot with me in the master bathroom at the old house on Dutchman. Her Cadillac had leopard spotted everything, seat covers, steering wheel cover, fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror. Hanging. Like her. I will never talk to her again. She will never say, "I love you, Ang," again. She will never choke the bathroom with her perfume again. She will never do her Ernest "Y'know what I mean, Vern?" again. She will never show those amazing dimples again. She will never sing the song "Fat Bottom Girls" again. She will never drink way-too-sweet coffee with me again. She will never play cards with us after Thanksgiving dinner again. She will never anything. Never anything never again. She hanged herself in the basement with a sweater at about nine this morning and she will never anything never again. I didn't tell her I loved her enough. I didn't call her when she moved away because she had become somebody I didn't especially like. I held her hand when she had the baby, said, "Breathe, Nikki, just breathe." Breathe. Just breathe. 1:14 a.m. - 2005-10-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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