mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Friday Yesterday, she was painted and laid out for the family to speak to one last time. I stood in the back of the room and stared at her hands, visible over the side of the casket, folded like I'd never seen her fold them before. I clutched my three sunflowers--one for me, one for her, and one for Michael-- and waited for them to leave so I could tell her the things I wanted to and sing her the song I wanted her to hear. When I walked into the room and saw her grey knuckles, her skin, not gold and shining but lifeless, I threw my flowers down and I ran, out the door, down the street, my pants falling down and my shoelaces flapping, my glasses foggy and clouded with waterspots. I recognized those hands. I recognized the chewed nails and the large joints, hands that magically held three mugs of beer at once, hands that squeezed mine, hands that navigated a huge Cadillac through tiny spaces. My family never drifted out like I thought that they would; They stayed clustered around her body, rubbing her arms and kissing her forehead. I had to lose it with them there, had to see her before the funeral directors had to gently usher us out. So I went to the front of her room and saw her perfect, straight nose, her pretty mouth, her smooth forehead. I told her that I was sorry, that I was sorry for everything and that I wanted to say more but not in front of all of these strangers. I told her I would take care of her daughter and that I would tell all of our old friends what happened. I put the flowers across her chest and tore my ankh from my neck and dropped it in the space between her stiff palms. This is for life. This means life, eternal life somewhere else and I hope we can all find you again. I want to go home again and find you there, drinking coffee and reading a trash magazine. I want to hear your loud, obnoxious guffaw and I want to be able to think of you without crying or seeing you with a blue face and bloody eyes. All I can say right now is that I love you and I promise that I will remember you forever. 9:36 a.m. - 2005-10-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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