mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Re: Gloria Hi, Gloria, Oh, Glo, me too. I've been trying really hard to be strong for my family because I know that if they see me cry, they'll lose it, too. I think about her every day and I wish I tried harder to be there for her. But at least I'm not angry at her anymore. Christmas has been especially hard so far but Tiara called me and that made me feel a little bit better. It seems like everywhere I go or whatever I do something reminds me of her. I know it might sound silly but every day I tell her I love her. That helps, too. We will get together soon. I'm still at the Eldorado, working swing. I'm off Wednesday & Thursday and I'm usually there from 3pm to 12am. Give me a call when you can set something up. Love you. You know, right after I found out, my first thought was to call you. I keep thinking of how much my life has changed since the days we all worked together at Mugs... On the one hand I feel lucky because I managed to stay away from the shit that she fell into but on the other hand I wish it was me instead. I miss those days. I wish I had tried harder to stay close to her, but she and I just wanted to do different things and although she knew I loved her and I know she loved me, we didn't really have a whole lot in common besides that love. I talk to her, too. On Christmas night I got home from work and I sat in bed and talked and talked and cried. I told her that I wish I could have taken all of that pain for myself and I meant it and I still do but the hardest part is knowing that no matter what promises I make now and what I would give to have her back won't change anything. When I was in Michigan I had to sleep in the house she died in and every single night I would wake up randomly here and there and I would stare at the steps to the basement and say, "Fuck you, Nikki." I was so angry, furious. The first two or three days after it happened I kept thinking that maybe it was a mistake, that she was in the hospital in a coma or something. I don't know, Glo. I'm glad I have you to talk to because you know my family is nuts and I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends about it-- I feel like everybody is sending me this message to just get over it already but as you know, it is almost impossible to get over. You should have seen her funeral. Our family thought that there would be maybe fifty or so people but over two hundred showed up. The services started late because more and more people kept streaming in. The funeral directors didn't have enough chairs in the building for everybody. People she went to high school with, people she knew when she was a kid, people she worked with, all of my Dad's side of the family... so many people that loved her. My Aunt said that there was this guy that kept asking her out, and they spoke on the phone every night and he had to go out of town for something or another. He called to talk to her about a week after she died. See? She was loved, and she did know it on one level or another. I took a psych class a few semesters ago and I remembered something our instructor told us-- he said that when people are severly depressed, they won't kill themselves because they don't have the energy or the motivation. When they start getting better is when they are really at risk. The second to last time I saw her she told me that she was going to look into getting an apartment for her and Tiara and I told her she should look into getting a grant for going back to school. She said maybe she would think about it. Tiara is doing alright, better than I thought she would. She goes to the library down the street from Aunt Terry's house every day and goes to Sunday school and sings in the church choir. Maybe she doesn't entirely understand yet but while I was there I got this book for everybody to put memories of Nikki in for Tiara as she grows up... I'll try to get a hold of it so I can have you write something in it. I want Tiara to have all of the answers she is going to want when she gets older and really starts wondering about her Mom. I love you, and I will try to get down to see you soon. Subject: Re: gloria
That was how I woke up that morning-- Crystal got out of the shower to answer the phone and she was bare ass naked and getting water all over the floor when she woke me up. She said she thought something happened to one of the dogs because my Mom was hysterical and she couldn't understand what she was saying. I got on the phone and my Mom's voice didn't even sound like her, she was screaming so loud and so hard. All I really remember about that morning is hitting the wall, punching the solid wood door jamb over and over and not really feeling anything but hoping that it would hurt enough to wake me up. I kept thinking that I was asleep and having a dream. I called my boss and I was fine when he answered the phone and I said, "Chef, I have to go home for a few days. My cousin Nicole... my cousin... my cousin... my cousin... my cousin..." I couldn't say the words. I just told him she was "gone," and that I had to be with my family. Telling Lissi was so fucking hard, Glo, harder than even hearing it myself. My Mom wanted her to finish the school day but I didn't want her to feel left out when she finally got the news so we told her in the counselor's office of Manion Middle School. She was so devastated. Nikki was her other sister and they were really, really close, probably as close and she is with me. But you know, I'm starting to be able to make it through a whole day or two without crying. I can think of her now and not think that she hates me or is angry with me. I can tell that I'll be okay because for the first handful of Wednesdays afterward I kept counting weeks-- i.e. It has been one week since she died, two weeks, five weeks, and so on-- and I didn't do that yesterday. I think this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, too-- but it has made me determined to make sure that everybody that I love KNOWS that I love them. If she had known how much I DO love her... if, if, if. I know that if's are useless, though. So nobody will ever have to doubt that somebody loves them ever again. Geez, now I'm getting all teary and I'm at the frickin' library because my computer is broken and I really do not want to cry here. We'll see each other soon. Love you. Amgela, I keep hitting reply just so I can keep reading all of our letters again. All of this sounds crazy in a way but it helps me deal with it all. when ever I see someone that I havnt seen in awhile ,,the people that knew her or had met her through me... and I have to tell them I 9 out of 10 times get so upset...usually not in front of them but right after I walk away or I make a point of going to the restroom... just to release the tears or gather myself . Ang, she left me a small suitcase of personal things that she never wanted anyone to see or get ahold ...diarys letters pictures that kind of stuff... I want to share it with you sometime... but the main thing I want to do is take most of those pictures and make a scrap book for tiara and tell her that her mom asked me to hold on to it for safe keeping until she was older.... I could really use your help. the only thing is I dont want anyone else in your family to ever know about this suitcase... yes they may deserve to have it because of being her blood, but if nikki wanted them to have it she would have left it with them. I will share the pictures with you..if there is some we both want we will have copies made... I need to keep all the diaries though... you can read what ever you want of course but these things should never be seen by anyone else ok. so make a day when you can stay for hours when you ready to read them or make several visits over what ever I just dont want them to leave my house. maybe someday I will be able to give some of them to tiara... but it will have to be when she is an adult and still not all of it... there is alot she does not need to know. 10:54 p.m. - 2006-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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