mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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I Love You, World

Getting my shit together is way harder than I thought it would be. Like, remembering to pay my credit card bills and the utilities and trying to figure out which classes I should take for my last semester at CCSN, and attempting to save money? Those things are not as easy as you may believe.
Last night I sat up until 4am looking up NMH live footage so I could initially feel totally awestruck and then feel incredibly (drunkenly) guilty because apparently JM is a very private guy and it feels somehow like even knowing who he is violates that. I dunno. More or less a fictional character, really. Why feel guilty over fiction, hmm?
Last night was four shots at Beauty Bar and dancing with cute gay George and Ashley and interrogating Ed about his four sisters, amongst whom I have decided that Crazy Maryanne is my favorite. Ed said, "She has issues," and I said in response that I really love people with issues. Who doesn't have issues? How boring would that be?
But later, after I got home, last night was lonely. Most of the time I love having time to myself but somehow it felt bad. Like, maybe I was supposed to be somewhere with somebody but somewhere in my past I made a wrong turn and now I am missing out on that? Do you ever feel like that? Maybe you missed your exit and now instead of living the perfect and amazing life you were supposed to be living, you are still driving down that dark and lonesome highway? How scary it is to think about fate and the things that may come if something throws a wrench in the works.
It's really weird, I know, but I wake up a lot lately feeling really excited, like something great is gonna happen any second now. I feel like I'm going on an adventure every single day, mostly. Maybe because I know that my time in this skin is limited, now, and I should enjoy the things worth enjoying while I still can.

2:45 p.m. - 2006-06-19

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