mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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on our way to falling

I'll be twenty four tomorrow and I do feel older, I swear I do. I don't want to get old, damnit, I don't ever want to grow up. Doc the security guard from work said that even though he is sixty-four he doesn't want to grow up, either. He said that we never really do, anyway, we just get better at faking it. I forget sometimes that when people look at me, they see a WOMAN. WOMAN WOMAN WOMAN. Me.
I watched a movie tonight and it was a romance, and man, you know I never watch fucking ROMANCE movies (but it wasn't a romantic comedy-- that's where I draw the line) and then of course I started thinking about how I really want to fall in love again someday, and I will, I know I will, but tonight I feel lonely. Really really real, the real kind of lonely. I have MB who is sweet and funny and kind but not mine, and I have Zach who loves me and takes care of me when I am sick or sad but he is not mine, and I have Ethan who never fails to surprise me with the things he says and thinks and does but is not mine, and Kent from work who is sexy and silly and flirts like crazy but is not mine. You get the picture? I would like, at this particular moment, to find somebody who is all of those things and who will put his hands on my face and pull my mouth close to his and say, "I am only yours and I want you to be only mine." I want him to say like a character in this fucking movie, "I woke up and you were six inches away and you were so beautiful I couldn't even focus my eyes." I want him to tell me that I am on fire. I want... I want something that feels flesh and solid and warm and maybe sometimes scalding and maybe even at moments freezing cold but not tepid. Never ever lukewarm. Jesus, I'm moody tonight.
I miss Ed. I miss sleepovers and I miss the smell of him sleeping. I miss the friendship and how it felt mystical, how he said he felt like he knew me before he ever knew my name. And I also miss the way it was when I first met Ethan and I was sure I could see our future beyond bedsheet forts and mix cds and me washing his hair in the shower. Shit, I even miss Kevin, a little, how everything he said couldn't have been more perfect if I had chosen the words myself and his asterisk tattoo that I could feel with my fingertips. I miss love. I miss it, I do. I'm getting older, guys. I just want to have it all.

3:43 a.m. - 2007-04-24

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