mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- with your hand in the air Counting down, what, three days? Four days now? I don't even want to miss it, okay? Cool and detached and cynical and logical and hard as stone, is that an option for me now? In three, four days he will go home to somebody else and when he sleeps it will be probably with his arm thrown across her back and when he wakes it will be her face he stares into that look of utter amazmement, that "how the hell did I pull this off" look, and when he makes jokes late at night before sleep she will be the one who laughs almost until her stomach starts hurting. I knew it was coming, I did. I was going to make one grand gesture, one huge sweeping and sparkling motion before he left to say, "I will not forget you and you will not forget me, these memories will be big and bright and gorgeous for a long time," but I realized tonight it isn't worth it, he is really, really going. And gestures, even grand ones, are just gestures and not the important things I make them out to be, not earth-moving and not adoration-inspiring but just gestures. I told Dan tonight that I would really like to find something real again because it has been a long, long time since I gave all of the things I have to give and got something worthwhile in return and he said, "You will." So Dan, Danno, oh, Dan, I ain't mad atcha. You have been a patch of warm sunlight and I don't want to get poetic here but I guess I already have so you should really know that as far as moving you goes, if all of our ifs were real I wouldn't ever stop trying. ...And so it goes. PS. Don't worry, I won't get crazy. 4:59 a.m. - 2007-05-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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