mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1977-2005 Today was Wednesday. Just Wednesday. It was not The Third Wednesday in October, it was not Two Years Ago Today Wednesday, it was just Wednesday. And I thought of her, and I looked at her picture and cried a little, but I made it. Goddamn, I miss her. Every once in awhile the hurt comes out of nowhere and knocks me on my ass, how a song will come on, Queen, maybe, and I will remember her singing it in that horrible but oh so joyous voice, and she knew she was a terrible singer but she sang, anyway. Or how I have my morning coffee in one of her cups and I think about how she held it in her hands and how her hands don't exist anymore, how she has not bitten her fingernails for two years now, and yeah, it can overwhelm, at moments, but it isn't all-consuming. Not anymore. About a year or so after she died I remembered making her inscribe a book that she gave me as a gift when I was a teenager and I swear to god, the thought hit me out of absolutely nowhere, I was lying in bed, about to doze off when, bam, I remembered. I got out of bed and pulled the book off of the shelf and ran my fingers over the imprint of the words and cried for hours because she was real and then she was gone, you know? I read it again, today: "To my favorite cousin (the genius) love Nicole." And even though for a long time I blamed myself, I think she knew that she was--hell, still is-- my favorite, too. Nicole Eve Shea, I fucking miss you. I want to show you all of the cool stuff I'm doing with my life these days. I want to take you for a ride in my car. I want to hear you screech, at the top of your lungs, "Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round." Nikki, I love you. 1:35 a.m. - 2007-10-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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