mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Blurting. Hot diggety damn, I am good with blurting. I think it, and next thing I know I am swimming in the consequences that follow after it inevitably falls out of my mouth. Poor Matt, we were just lying in bed and I said, out of nowhere, "I'm not happy." And then I clammed up and left the room without clarifying, "I am not happy right now." I am not happy today, and honestly, I wasn't happy yesterday or the day before that, either. Here is what I want: I want to feel loved, and I don't want to question it. Now, this isn't to say I want constant attention or fucking presents or flowers on a daily basis, but you know, maybe a "thanks," here and there. Thanks for cleaning up the house. Thanks for cooking/baking/making me this or that, or for making sure the bed isn't covered with dog hair so I don't have an asthma attack in the middle of the night. I want, when I come home from work, to have somebody ask about my day, to be genuinely happy to see me. Fuck, I would settle for at least an acknowledgement, but lately we have slumped into this rut where Matt gets home from work and I jump all over him like an excited puppy and he swats me away and tells me that I'm too loud or too hyper or too this or too that and so I give him his "alone time," which means I camp out in the living room while he plays video games in the bedroom for a couple hours, and then we watch tv and I usually cook or we order something and we eat in silence in front of the tv until it is time for bed. If I am not talking, there IS NO TALKING. If I am not reaching for him, there IS NO REACHING. And I get into this place where I wonder what I'm doing wrong, because obviously it's me, right, except I don't think it is, this time. Maybe he just does things differently from me, or maybe he's bored, too, or maybe he just doesn't want me quite as much as he used to now that he actually knows me. For me to pretend that I am somebody else or try to behave in a way that JUST ISN'T ME is not fair to either of us. So we'll see where this goes. I love Matt and I would like to spend a good long time with him but right now I am grouchy and feeling rejected and lonely so perhaps I am exaggerating this. 2:32 a.m. - 2007-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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