mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i just keep on kneeling I hate how stress sneaks up on me like it has been lately. I used to pride myself on the fact that I was seemingly untouched by stress the way some of my friends were-- like, I used to be unshakable. Not recently, though. I woke up this morning and stared at the wall for ten minutes, thinking of all of the ways my life just feels wrong, all of the bills I have to pay and the money I don't have to pay them with, the medical appoinments I have to schedule (and attend, which is the hard part for me) so that my body doesn't break apart in dry and dusty chunks, the things I need to do to get out of my crappy job once and for all, and the problems with my relationships, both the one I have with Matt and the ones I share with my friends. It gets so overwhelming. Last night I was a little raw from my interactions with Matt-- it was so tense, you know? I don't think he is in love with me. Sometimes I think it, I mean. Sometimes I know it, and other times we are happy and it seems like utter bullshit for me to have ever thought that at all. This one time, we were playing a game with some friends, all of us a little buzzed, and he made a comment in response to a friend's word selection--"Supermodels are make-believe. Because I will never find one!" He meant it as a joke, but you could hear crickets after that. We argued about it later, he apologized and said it was just a stupid joke, he was drunk, and so on. This was about eight months ago. I hold on to everything. I was still sensitive when we went to Matt 2's house and couldn't take his mean comments with a smile the way I normally can, went outside and cried for a few minutes, went back in and tried my hardest to act okay. When we got home, I broke apart a little bit. I have had so much weighing down on me, so much pressure-- house and bills and work and health problems and my semi-broken relationship and my desire to go to school and change my life and things I have to do and things I have to buy and pay for and things I have to organize and there were a few hairline fractures and they spiderwebbed out until big brittle pieces of me were breaking off left and right. Oh, my life. Goddamn, my fucking life. Matt wants to move back in once he gets a job and although I am not quite sure I want that, the thought of all that extra money sure is appealing, money is time and I am short on time and will need more of it if I want to go back to school. I'll land on my feet. I always do. But the fall sucks. 10:35 a.m. - 2009-06-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||