mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sweet babies First week of May 2010 made this year, New York City with Zach and Jeff Mangum and Sharon Van Etten and a new friend but mostly, more than anything, this feeling of belonging in this skin after such a very long time. I love Zach. Love love love. Since he left, he and I have been talking two, three, four times a day, every day. He wants me to move to SF and I said we can make music together, right? And he said sure, of course. Even the not so great parts are okay. I am still seeing Aaron and I am not sure what we are but he smiled this smile the other night, being his silly self, this goofy and unrestrained and hopeful smile that I have only ever seen on a few faces, and I was even okay with whatever the hell we are at that moment. Met another boy who told me he missed my face and I do not know what to think of that so I am not thinking of that at all. I do not want to hurt anybody again and I do not want to be hurt. I will tell him next time I see him that I think he is wonderful and beautiful but not... like that. About Mangum, well, I have tried to write about that for a couple of weeks now and there are not good enough words in this head. It felt like something so pure and magic, Zach squeezing my hand so tight I could feel every bit of who he was coming through my palm and the voices of 500 people singing softly, just above whispers, to make one glorious and amazing sound. Met a girl named Jessie who tried to kiss me but I told her to kiss Zach instead, met a man named Gareth who had a black cowboy shirt with a blood-red rose, a boy named Javier who spoke Spain-Spanish and not my broken Mexi-American Spanglish and was on a three month vacation in New York, a boy named Karl from Michigan who gave me a high-five when I told him I flew there just for that night, a couple from SF named Melissa and Nick and she cried when he played, a girl named Emilyn who sang with Kyp Malone and was at Bridge and Tunnel the next night, Dave whom Zach and I both loved instantly and plan on keeping in touch with, Ben Goldberg who threw the event and had a birthday the week before and Zach wanted me to go talk to Jeff but I was nervous and so instead I walked past him and said "Excuse me," and put my hand on his elbow when I passed by and that was enough, I think. It was a beautiful night, a beautiful week. We found amazing places and lost them again, talked to a boy with a Mol from VB tattoo on his left arm, took a thousand pictures, said a million meaningless and sweet and perfect things. Such a happy week, such a way to say happy birthday, Angela. Came home to Conrad and my sister and my family and phone calls from Zach. It was a whirlwind. I will put more later. Have you been reading this whole time? Harold Skarold, call me. I do not have school right now so I may be up as late as midnight some nights. 12:29 a.m. - 2010-05-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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