mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Fought with my sister tonight, felt like shit, still feels like shit. We are so different. The fight started with me saying I needed more financial help, that I felt bad that Chris is working so hard and has this huge load to shoulder, he can't do the things he wants to do at the end of his week, can't buy the things he needs for himself. Ended with her packing, me calling her selfish, her leaving. Why did I call her that? I don't know. Do I believe that? Sometimes. Her priorities are not what mine are, what mine have ever been. I am in a strange place right now. My child is too small for his age and it is my fault. I have been so adamantly insisting on breastfeeding him that I failed to see that something was off about the way he was growing. The suspicion is that a thyroid issue is at the root but without insurance, I will not know for sure. My boy, six months old, I have already accidentally harmed him. My body let the both of us down, this fucking thing. Debating on going back to the salt mines, to the same type of job I was so desperate to leave, just to get ahead or even caught up. Actually, there is no debate; it will happen. Just don't know where or when. I am sad tonight. So many things I thought were under control, but they aren't. I feel apart from my family, like they are strangers. I have Elliott, and I have Chris, and everybody else is temporary and maybe and I do not know if this is something all women deal with at some point or if these problems are of my own making. Step one, get the boy to grow, get him baby fat and strong and in a place where I do not sit up with google every night and wonder if the damage I have done is permanent. Make up with sister, get a new job, get on track, stay happy. This is hard. Wish all of my friends were still here in town with me to make me feel better. 11:59 p.m. - 2012-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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