mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Tired, sad, and more than a little angry right now. Generally, I am good with decision making, I can make my mind up quickly and feel confident in my choice even after sitting on it for awhile, but this time... not so much. It is funny (not funny haha, more funny like shitty and upsetting) that so much of my life has been balanced on one or two premises and I didn't even realize it. Now that one has been removed, everything is wobbling and sliding like a goddamned Jenga tower balanced on my back. School? Work? My quest for physical improvement? Finances? Expanding my family? Planning a move from Vegas? Tilting, leaning, and I am under it all just struggling to keep my structure stable for another day. I am not sure if I want all of the details in here, not sure if I don't. This is how I remember when my brain fails me, as it does so often, but I don't know if I will want to remember this. I guess I can always delete, hide it away if I need to. Just like regular people with properly functioning memories do. Chris engaged in some behavior that was at the very least, inappropriate, and at the most, downright devastating. In truth, it falls somewhere between the two but my perspective changes based on my mood and how badly I want my life to feel normal again. His crappy and disrespectful choices have stirred up so many questions that had been (temporarily, it seems) answered and I have no rudder to steer with, at the moment. Davey, rudders are for steering, right? Maybe I mean that I have no compass. Or GPS. My GPS is broken and desperately needs an update. Right now it is functioning as well as the chaos guy in the insurance commercials. Recalculating. Where am I going? What do I want? I want peace, a family, stability. I want passion and excitement and beauty. I want fire but not burns, independence but not loneliness, fun but not frivolity... I thought that I was done with this shit. I am questioning the notion of "commitment" and figuring out if I am capable of the kind of forgiveness that it entails. One thing that is constant, my baby asleep in his bed next to mine, snoring like a chainsaw over the baby monitor, four teeth, starting to stand on his own. Soon he will be walking. I know what kind of life I want for him. Just have to reconcile that with what I want for myself. 9:54 p.m. - 2012-03-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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