mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- master and the servant Old girl is awake tonight. That is how it feels sometimes, that two versions of me share this body, the new mother who sings her son to sleep and the vicious bitch I always imagined myself to be but wasn't. I feel dangerous tonight, this mood is dangerous. It is a good thing I am home, fat and fed and tamed by the walls. Do you know what I mean? On edge. Aching. Acutely aware of the fact that my child may awaken at any moment and I will slip back into that other frame of mind again. I want to dance, I want a room that is just mine where I can turn my music up and dance without fear of disturbing the household. I imagine myself on fire, moving so fast that I smolder. But that doesn't happen anymore. I am not sure that I am in love tonight. Does that make you happy? Don't be. I wouldn't have loved you for long, either. Chris betrayed me. The way I always knew somebody would eventually. This false sense of security, he had me fooled, I believed I was safe. I think of my pregnant body, like looking into a funhouse mirror, I think of my swollen skin, the vulnerability that came with carrying his child and I was so willing to be fragile and open. Why was I so willing? I cracked like an eggshell. Is this life the right one? I don't know. Two girls in one skin, fighting over the voice and the hands and the flesh, a mother and a... something else. Tonight I will go to bed and take him between my teeth and see who I feel like, then. 11:39 p.m. - 2012-04-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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