mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Three days overdue. Tiny Daughter will be here any day now. I feel like this pregnancy has not been documented as well as my first one was-- too much toddler chasing, working, school, domestic maintenance. I just haven't had enough time to sit and marvel the way I did when I was pregnant with E. And of course now that school is out for the summer and I am off work for the next ten-ish weeks, I am so massive and uncomfortable that marveling just is not in my repertoire at the moment. This has fortunately been a very healthy and easy 40 weeks for me. I have been so busy that I haven't had time to dwell on much, although a few aches and pains were driving me a little bit crazy a few weeks ago. I feel lucky that that was the worst of it. Of course, I am still staring down the barrel of my natural and unmedicated home delivery. I am very good at deflecting the doubts of my family and friends when it comes to my choice, but of COURSE I am nervous. I let somebody slice me open last time. My body is not the same as it was. I now have a horizontal zipper of scar tissue that makes me slightly higher risk than I was before. But I just can't go through the same thing I did two years ago. I have never ever felt as dehumanized as I did in that hospital bed, being yelled at and threatened, having scare tactics thrown at me anytime I voiced concern over a recommendation, having my body handled like a piece of dead meat. I just can't. I am excited to get it right this time and to pass the health benefits of a natural delivery along to my daughter. I feel like... like once she is here, I can be done with the building phase of my life and just enjoy it. Does that make sense? Like after having spent the past three-ish years being pregnant and breastfeeding and devoting myself to learning the ropes of motherhood, I can now just focus on getting myself where I want to be in terms of my career and my health and my education. I am three semesters away from my degree, finally. Planning on powering through and building a new career, this time in a field that does NOT make me want to curl into a little ball and cry. Saving money. Feathering my nest. Doing all of the fun things with Chris that we postponed because we started our family so fast. Rebuilding my social circle with people who are supportive and kind and loving. I am looking forward to all of this. I know I am boring. Just wait until I can drink again. I'll make sure to put on a good show then. Love. 10:15 p.m. - 2013-05-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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