mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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Lovely Days

My days move too fast, my days move too slow. I am not used to taking time out to savor the small moments that comprise each day, having spent years (decades?) willing the clock to move faster. "I will be happy when," "I will feel better when," "I will do this when." And now "when" is here. These days are my life. Peace feels good. Happy feels good. And I have learned now that there will never be a "perfect" happiness. I may never be happy with some aspects of my life and that is okay. The big picture is a beautiful one. I am not sweating the brushstrokes.
I am already feeling the urge to make more babies. Biology is a funny thing. I don't want more babies now. My rational mind keeps the baby fever in check as much as it can. Maybe in two years, three years. Nourish my body and get it strong. Help my kids through infancy and toddler-hood. 33 sounds like a good year to have a third child.
I want to just babble about the two of them. They fill me up in a way that I have never experienced before. If I believed in souls I would throw that word in here somewhere, but I don't, so I will just say that right here, right now, I am aware of how special and magical this time is. Yesterday, my son pointed to the new framed portraits my mother had taken for Mother's Day. "That's me and my sister!" he told me. "I love her. I love my sister." And Maggie, she looks at her brother with some much awe on her face. She wants to do the things he does, read the books he reads, go where ever he goes. She stands up for herself in her baby way, demanding to be left to exploring, stealing toys back from her brother with angry bellows when he grabs them from her hands. I am lucky enough to witness these moments between them. Right now, E is experiencing fear of the dark. He wakes up at night and crawls into my bed sometimes. He snuggles up to me and wraps his arms around my head. Mags nurses next to us. My whole world, Chris, the kids, in one bed. Everything that I need to be happy in one tiny place, a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. I will guard it, I will nurture it, I will love it with everything I have.

11:43 p.m. - 2014-05-14

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